[ the gwg | fanfics | You've Got To Be Kidding! ]

You've Got To Be Kidding!

There are three things that make life at my condo interesting. Without them, things would be normal, too normal to handle. Yet life would be easier without them. First "fun thing" is the fact I have two cats, Smokey and Whiskers. They really are great cats, but they have a nose for trouble. Second, in each section of the condos are four rooms. The occupants of two of the four in my section happen to be five very hot guys! I'll explain more about them in a moment. Third, my boyfriend lives in the apartments across the street.

I'm sure your are thinking, 'big whoop, you have cats and cute neighbors. Who doesn't?' Before you leave so quickly let me say that the cats can talk and guess who my neighbors are...

They call themselves pilots. They happen to get a 'free ride' through this university because of their service in some war. (Unlike the rest of us who have to scrap to get through.) One is a spiky haired fellow who insists that he looks good in black, spandex bike shorts. One is a flash back from the '70's or something with hair down to his thighs. One is the second person I know that has bangs that stick straight out! (My boyfriend's do that too.) One is blonde and never wears casual clothes. One has black hair slicked back into a small ponytail. An odd bunch of fellows to be sure! However, they have quickly discovered the fun of frat parties, but fail to realize that they have neighbors! Unfortunately, I've been too shy to get their names. Smokey and Whiskers know, but refuse to tell me.

Well, there's the brief intro to my life. Today, like any other day, my noisy neighbors are being...well noisy. Smokey and Whiskers are out playing or pooping, whatever they do when I let them out. I myself, am trying to finish an assignment due Monday. Eventually, the noise dies down. Finally! They must have all passed out on the floor.

Moments later, there is a familiar scratch at my door. I open the door to let the cats in. Whiskers, the white, skinny cat with tabby patches, bounds in and shouts in a sing-song voice, "Smokey did something baaaaaad!" I roll my eyes and await the tubby, gray mass that is Smokey. The latter heaves himself up the stairs to my condo. (Each section has two floors, two rooms on each floor.) "It's not my fault! Those freakin' boys can't tell the difference between genius and beer!" "Smokey, what did you do and how much will it cost me?" I groan.

"I was working on my elixir for youth..." "In the neighbors room," Whiskers interrupts. "Shut up, Whisky," I scold. After Smokey glares at Whiskers, he continues, "In their room, because that's where my project was started, before they moved in! So, I borrowed one of their pitchers to store my elixir". "Let me guess, they all had a glass of your elixir and now are either in critical condition or dead. Smokey, you are gonna get me sued!" "They don't know it was me! And they're not dead or in bad shape". Whiskers snickers, "Tell her!" Smokey takes a deep breath and says "The elixir works...the five boys are younger". I sigh with relief that they were not dead or damaged. I'm not sure I can afford an accident like that.

"Is that all?" I ask. My answer comes soon enough. There's a terrible scream from one of the rooms downstairs. "They're going to need supervision until I can make the antidote". I close my eyes and try to stay calm. "So, you're saying I have to babysit five little boys while you tinker with your chemistry set!?" Whiskers laughs and laughs. Smokey nods. "How old are they?" "Five, maybe four". I slap my forehead. "I'm not going to do it!"

Smokey convinces me that people would ask questions and get me into trouble. "This antidote better be ready quick!" I shout as we go to the room downstairs. The door is open and five little monsters reak havoc. I shake my head. What did I do to deserve this? I clear my throat to get their attention. "Boys? Why don't we go upstairs to my room to play, okay?" Five knee-high blurs bound past me and thump up the stairs. "Please hurry," I moan. Smokey grabs Whiskers' tail and drags him into the 'secret lab'.

Quickly, I join the five boys in my room. They are all over! Crawling over my furniture, grabbing curiously at some items, and rolling across the floor. I close the door behind me and lock it. Five pairs of eyes, glance up. Before I know it, five little faces gather around my feet and stare sweetly up. "Wasser name?" asks the braided one. "Umm...I'm Mari. Who are you?" "I'm Duo!" he proudly states. "I'm Heero, I'm Trowa, I'm Quatre, I'm Wufei!" the other four chime in. I'll never remember these names!

From my closet I pull out a box that has a few toys. Just little trinkets I got from Kid's meals from restaurants and stuff I had brought from home. I put the box in the middle of the living room and let them have at it. They're occupied for now. I try to resume my reading.

About two paragraphs into my homework, shouts come from the living room. I moan as little Duo runs into the kitchen and grabs my leg. "Help me! Help me! Help me!" he begs as Wufei chases after him. "Funny...I was just wishing someone would help me..." I mumble. There is more crying in the other room.

Stupidly, I stand and look at the problem. Duo darts behind my legs again as Wufei angrily squeals at the top of his lungs! Another little "angel" with a green tank top sniffles and tugs at my pant leg. The little blonde one looks like he's on the verge of tears while his playmate is bawling and holding his head. "Everybody quiet!" I calmly order. "It wasn't my fawlt! I dinnit mean it!" the blonde boy cries.

I try to make myself smile. "Please, calm down and tell me what's wrong". "Wufei's tryin' to kill me!" Duo squeaks. "He pull my hair!" Wufei defensively stated. "Quatre hit me!" sobs Trowa. "It was an assident!" Quatre now sobs too. "I had an assiden'..." sniffles Heero. I keep my fake smile plastered on. I'm going to kill those cats.

"Wufei," I say to the braided one. "I'm Duo! That's Wufei!" "Sorry. Duo, did you pull his hair". Duo pouts and cries, "Yeah..." "Well, Wufei didn't like that did he?" "No..." "Why don't you tell Wu-Wu you're sorry, okay?" "I sorry". "Okay, Wufei, he said he's sorry. Now play nice okay, I'll get you a snack later". Wufei agrees to the snack and immediately forgets about the problem. Food can clear any boy's mind from trouble.

Now, the other two. "Hey let go of my leg, I'll help you next". I tell the grabby boy. He pouts and sits on the floor. "Okay honey, lemme see your head and tell me what happened". "Quatre...Quatre an' me play wif animals an' he hit me wif da camel!" "I dinnit mean to," Quatre piteously cries. "It's okay now, Quatre. Try to play gently okay? Tell...ummm...what's your name again?" "Twowa" "Trowa...you're sorry," I continue. "I sowy! I weely am!" "That's nice. You two be good and I'll fix you a snack in a few minutes". "My head still hurts!" "There's no bump on your head you'll be fine". "Give it a kiss!" I roll my eyes and blow on his head. "There. Happy now?" Trowa finally smiles and bobs his head. I pat Quatre's head and they return to their play.

"Alrighty, what's your problem dude?" The boy turns red and sniffles, "I had an assident". I find the wet spot in the bathroom. Thank goodness this floor doesn't have any carpeting! "Well, you almost made it. We just need to clean it up. Oh don't cry now". Too late, the kid is rubbing his eyes and sobbing. I let him sit a moment while I mop up his mess. "There all done. See, all clean. Are your clothes wet?" Heero nods. There is no mercy is there? Now I have to bathe the kid. "I'll never be able to look my neighbor in the face again!" I groan.

For once, the shouting from outside is like music to my ears. Heero will have to wait a minute. BUMP! CRAASH! AHHHH! "My dishes!" Duo's eyes are brimming and big. He's almost too cute to yell at. But not cute enough. "What? What were you doing?" "I was hungry..." "I was going to fix you...oh never mind...get out of the kitchen now!" I yell. Duo clutches his braid and slinks off. After I sweep, I decide it would be a good idea to get the snack now.

Ants on a log, a perfect snack to seal any mouth! Four boys munch on the celery and peanut butter while drinking milk. I'm glad my cups are plastic. "Guys? Where's Duo?" "Hiding," answers Quatre. "Where is he hiding?" "Under the bed. He won' come out! He try an' bite me!" Wufei mumbles. Now I feel bad for yelling at the kid. "You guys keep eating, I'll go an' get him".

I can hear him sniffling under my bed. Carefully, I bend down and peek under. "Hey little fella. Don't you want a snack?" Duo hugs his knees and shakes his head. "I thought you were hungry?" "I hate you!" "That's not nice to say. Why do you hate me?" "'Cuz you hate me an' yell at me". I sigh, "Look. I don't hate you. I was upset you broke my plate. Come on out now. Everyone's waiting for you". I venture to reach for him, but he squeals and smacks my hand. "Hey! That's not nice!" Duo sticks out his tongue.

"Now, if you're going to be mean, I'm going to have to punish you," I warn. "Humph!" Duo sticks he nose up. "Fine, you can stay here all by yourself and wait until Smokey comes to eat you". "Who Smokey?" Duo nervously asks. Ah, the gullible boy falls for my plot. "Smokey is the lion that sleeps under my bed. He doesn't like it when little boys hide in there. He gets a lot meaner than I can". "I'm not scared!" "Well okay. But don't cry to me when he starts to eat you," I cackle a bit for an effect. His blue eyes get wide, "You kidding...r-right?" "I think I hear him now. Only I can stop him, but since you are so mean to me..." I make growling noises. Instantly, Duo darts from under the bed and tackles me to the floor. "Don lettim get me, don lettim get me!" he begs. "I sorry!"

I carry the petrified kid to the kitchen where he nervously joins his friends. Maybe I went too far with the lion story. Now, all of them are scared of the lion under my bed. But, at least they all behave a bit better.

Thank God for T.V.! The five little brats watch the screen. Duo is still sitting on my lap and refuses to leave me. I guess I really scared the heebie-jeebies out of him. I only have myself and the cats to blame. "Is that the lion from under your bed?" he asks and points to the happy cartoon lion on the screen. "No. My lion is gray and fat". He hugs my neck and whispers, "I wuv you". "That's nice," I reply, not really flattered by the statement. "Will you marry me?"

Man, what's with kids today! "Marry you? Gee, I dunno, I think I'm a bit too old for you". I said that a bit too loud and everyone is looking at us. "I wanta marry you!" shouts Trowa. "No! Me!" Duo shouts and nearly chokes me. "Can I marry you too?" asks Quatre. If all these guys were their real age, I would be dead with joy. However, it's not really such a thrill if five-year-olds want you.

People and their bad timing! The doorbell rings. Currently, I'm being squeezed to death by Duo Anaconda, weighted at the ankles by Trowa and Quatre, and Wufei hangs off my back. I make it to the door. Exhausted, I throw open it and grumble, "Whattya want?" I look up to see who I yelled at. "I em sorry, I didn' know yew 'ad company!"

Never had I been so happy to see my boyfriend, Alain DeRue, the French foreign exchange student! I call him Reynard, which is French for fox. "It's YOU!" I gasp as Wufei and Duo choke off my air supply. I grab Reynard by the collar and drag him in! "Who's that?" asks Heero, the only one not clinging to me. I sit down and pry from Duo and Wufei's grip. "This is Reynard, my boyfriend," I gasp.

Now, there are four broken hearts. "I thought you said you were gonna marry me," Duo pouts. "Yew never tol moi, yew were engaged," Reynard chuckles. "Ha, ha," I sarcastically mumble. "Who are zese kids?" I almost blabbed about the 'elixir', but I figured he wouldn't believe me. "The neighbor's kids. They dumped them with me, one of their family members died," I cleverly bluffed. "Aw, 'ow sad. Yew 'andle all five yourself?" "Like it's hard?" Reynard shrugs, "Yew need any aide?"

Reynard is a SAINT! "Dude...help!" Reynard smiles, "What can I do?" Unfortunately for Reynard I remember one chore I forgot to do. "Ahem. Heero, that kid right there, needs a bath". Heero slowly turns around and glares at me. "Giving moi le dirty work, hm?" "You bet. Only the best for you!" I look back to the spot where Heero was sitting. He's gone!

"Guys! Where's Heero?" "I dunno," the others chime. "I'll find 'im," Reynard reassures me. Quatre looks really upset. "I thought you were in love wif us," he whines. "Aw, common, I do love you guys. But Reynard would cry if I married you". "So!" Trowa protests. I'm not sure how to answer these four fiancès. I sigh, "Alright...I'll marry all of you!" The smiles return and I'm smothered with hugs and kisses. Now, if only they were their real age.....*grin*

There's plenty of splashing and shouting from the bathroom! Sounds like a war. Reynard is hopelessly yelling to Heero in French. "Retard! He's five," I mutter. I better go help. There just some things men can't handle!

What a nightmare! Reynard is sopping wet and very steamed. Little naked Heero, glares at him from the toilet seat. I cover my eyes. "What are you guys doing!?" "Zis kid iz not getting in za tub," Reynard complains. Great, instead of five piles of trouble, I have six! "Heero get in the tub and take a bath". "No!" "Yes, you are stinky!" "NO! I'll kill him!" "Don't say that and get in the tub before I get angry". Stubbornly, Heero folds his arms, "No". Reynard flicks aside his dripping bangs and arches his eyebrows at me. Still, with my eyes closed, I shout, "GET IN THE TUB NOW!!!!" "NO!" "Do you want a time out?" Heero blew a raspberry. "Fine, I'll just tell everyone about your 'assident'". Heero blinked and blushed. Reluctantly, he sat in the tub and scowled. "And that is how it's done, Reynard. Have fun".

Quickly I shut the two in. "I swear I'll kill them". "Kill who?" Wufei asks. "Nevermind. Let's just finish watching our movie and then you guys need a nap". "AWWW!" all of them whined. "After your movie. Okay, you guys need a nap". Actually, I would gladly take a nap for them. "I don't wanna take a nap, I'm not tired!" "There's a lion under the bed though". "Hey, I won't marry any of you unless you take a nap".

Reynard and Heero return, both dripping. "Hey, Reynard! You are getting my carpet wet!" "I em never 'aving kids!" he hoarsely grumbles. "Aw shut up! You love kids, n'est pas?" I sweetly charm. "No". "Tsk. You don't have to watch them anymore if you don't want to," I sigh dramatically. "I'll just take care of them all by myself and marry them all". "Sound good. I'll be at za wedding reception!" "Hey! Come back here you! I'll get you some dry clothes. It'll be naptime soon".

"Fine, I'll stay for a little longer". Reynard borrows some of my more grungy clothes. A pair of basketball shorts, very stretchy and one of my extra large t-shirts. Quatre has fallen asleep on the floor. The others look about ready to nod off too. "Zey are cyoot when zey are quiet," Reynard softly says. I agree. The movie finishes and I must wrestle them to bed. "Alright, time for naps". "No," Duo drowsily mumbles. "Yes, now come on, sleepy head". "Not sleepy," Trowa yawns. "Yes you are," I coo. Quatre lifts his head. One by one, Reynard and I relay the little ones to a couch or a chair. I regret telling the lion story now.

I collapse on my living room floor. "Hell hath more mercy," I say into the rug. "Yew are so good with zem". "Oh, shut up and kill me now". Reynard ruffles my hair. "At least id izn't forever, n'est pas?" "Oui..." I shudder at the thought of taking care of five kids forever!

Reynard puts his dry clothes back on and fixes dinner for me. I finish my reading and enjoy his company. Each of us brace ourselves for the first kid to wake up. "Ahhh! What's zat noise?" A cat drags his nails at my metal door. I'm use to the sound by now. "It's the cats!" I happily bounce to the door! Whiskers trots in energetically as usual. "Hey Whisky. Is 'Mokey done yet?" Whiskers sees Reynard and licks his paw. He winks at me.

"Bonjour Chat," Reynard tickles Whiskers' chin. Duo wakes up and screams, "IT'S THE LION!!!" Smokey crawls into the room with a baggy of liquid in his teeth. He glares at the kids, all wide awake and shuddering. I snicker and stroke Smokey's head. "He won't hurt you this time. Come on and pet him". Trowa is the first to try and pet Smokey. Quatre and Heero also dare to stroke him. Soon, all five are patting, stroking, and rubbing the cat. Smokey dodges all of them and hops on one of the chairs. I take the baggy to the kitchen where Whiskers is on the counter...again!

"Is this the antidote?" I whisper. "Yes, put it in their drinks," he whispers back. "Good kitty. I'll kill you later". Whiskers hopped off the counter and to his food bowl. Finally, we sit and eat dinner. The little ones drink up and eat hungrily. Reynard is an awesome cook! After dinner, it's time to take the kids back. "Thanks for dinner Reynard. I'll just take these trouble makers home now, 'kay?" "Actually, I 'ave to go. I'll call yew later, ma cherie!" He lightly kisses my cheek and leaves quickly.

The whiney kids are not happy to go home. They want to play more. But, the antidote had some affect on them and they were too tired to fight. I put them in their own beds and went back up to my room. "You cats! Big trouble! You owe me big!" "Hey, when they wake up as themselves tell them they messed up your room and demand money or something," Smokey suggested. "Because that's a good idea, I won't kill you!" I go to bed.

The next day, I come home from classes. The cats are gone again and I'm nervous. I should have grounded them. I go to the kitchen to call my neighbors to mooch money off of them. When I enter my kitchen, my eyes bug out! "AWWWW! KITTIES!" I squeal as five adorable little cats sit on my kitchen floor. One has spikey brown hair. One has a long braid. One has those crazy bangs I love. One has neat blonde hair. One has black hair slicked into a ponytail! I scoop all them up into a big kitty hug! All of them scream and protest.

"Should we help them?" Whiskers nervously asks Smokey as they watch the horrible scene. "No, they'll distract her from us for awhile," Smokey winks. "That's evil! Great thinking, Smokey!" They watch me smother the kitties with kisses and tickles. "I'LL KILL YOU!!" shouts the Heero cat. I blink and look at my two. "These aren't strays are they?" My two cats run away as fast as they can. "SMOKEEEEEEEY!! WHISKEEEEEY! COME BACK HERE!"

The End!