Dingos and a Drinking Contest
characteristically as he tugged a black polo shirt over his head. He stepped
into a pair of jeans and zipped up the fly, then sat on the edge of his bed as
he reached for his socks and pulled them on. Grabbing his black boots, he
stepped out into the living room where Wufei and Trowa were waiting. The braided
Gundam pilot sat on a squashy chair and stuck his feet into his boots, tying
them as Heero stepped from his room wearing khakis and a green shirt. Duo
grunted, straightened and said, "Where's Quatre? It's almost time to go."|
Trowa said in a monotone voice, "He's still getting ready."
Duo grinned again as Heero sat to wait. He suddenly began in a pleading voice, "Heero, I really want to-"
"No!" Heero cut him off sharply.
"But you never let me!"
"I have good reason to."
"Oh, come on, Heero! It's so much fun!"
Heero scowled at Duo, who sighed piteously and whined, "Why can't I?"
Heero raised an eyebrow and said, "If I let you drive, you would crash the car and kill us. We all know how bad of a driver you are."
Wufei stifled a laugh as Duo flopped back in his chair, an angry look spreading across his youthful face. Just then, Quatre emerged from his room, a wary look on his face. Duo sprang to his feet and irritably said, "Let's go, already!"
The five trooped to the door and Heero locked it behind them as they piled into his car. He slipped into the driver's seat with much protest from Duo, who sat shotgun. Trowa and Wufei sat in the backseat and Quatre squeezed between them. Heero shoved the key into the ignition and turned it. He moved the stick into reverse and peered over his shoulder as he backed out of the driveway.
He turned and drove down the street as dusk spread over the city. As they rode along, Duo seethed. Why was Heero so adamant about keeping him out of the driver's seat? He wasn't as bad of a driver as Heero made him out to be. He began planning a sweet tidbit of revenge as a flashy neon sign loomed out of the darkness. Joe's pub. Heero parked the car neatly as Trowa said, "I don't know how you talked us into this, Duo."
The five climbed from the small car as Duo flashed a smile at the other four and said, "We just need a night to kick back and relax. That's something we haven't done in a long time. Plus, this place is awesome. You guys will love it."
They went in and the crowded, thick atmosphere immediately engulfed them. It was a Friday night, and the place was thick with people dancing and drinking. Girls danced on a stage and the air was filled with talking, shouting and music. Duo led them to a relatively empty spot at the bar, where he seated himself. The other four quickly followed his example as a bartender came by and asked, "What'll it be?"
Duo thought for a moment and leaned closer, indicating with his hand that he didn't want his words heard by his comrades. The bartender leaned over the counter as Duo whispered into his ear, discreetly pointing first at Heero, then at Wufei. The bartender's eyes widened and his mouth curved into a smile as he grinned at the two young men.
Heero narrowed his eyes as the bartender chuckled and left.
"What was that about?" he hissed at a smirking Duo.
"I just want to see how well you can handle yourself in a drinking contest." Duo said breezily.
The bartender returned with two shot glasses and a pair of bottles cradled in his arm. He set one glass down in front of Heero and one in front of Wufei. He poured a small amount of the liquor into each of the glasses and stood back, watching expectantly.
The two stared at the glasses, then at each other. Heero leaned over to Duo again and said, "What did you say to him?" Duo said, "I told him that you two wanted to have a contest to see who could drink more. Whoever wins gets fifty bucks. Whoever loses, well...let's just say we'll have some fun with a drunk Gundam pilot, if you know what I mean."
Heero scowled angrily, but Wufei said, "I'm up to it if you are, Heero." A dangerous glint in the asian's eyes forewarned Heero, but the two were beginning to attract a small crowd. Not wanting to give up, he grabbed the glass and downed it. He slammed the glass back down and recoiled almost immediately. Wufei did the same. The bartender clapped his hands together and rubbed them briskly, a wide grin on his face. He grabbed the bottle and filled the glasses again, a little fuller that time. The two drank again, the taste obviously affecting them.
They fell into a routine, the bartender only pausing when the two bottles were emptied. He brought back more and more until the bottles began to pile up on the bar. The signs of drunkenness were evident on Wufei and Heero's faces. Wufei didn't seem to be handling it well, though. He swayed on his chair and Trowa propped him up, worry lining his face. There was quite a crowd now, as the two continued to challenge each other. Heero barely managed to raise the glass to his lips. He slowly drank it and set the glass down, Duo thumping him on the back with enthusiasm. Wufei was slower to get his glass. He lifted it, lowered it, and then lifted it again firmly. He pressed it to his lips, but didn't drink. The glass fell from his hands and bounced off his knee. It landed on the floor as the contents began to flow across the floor in a messy puddle. Wufei's head went down on the bar with a thump.
The bartender grabbed Heero's wrist and pronounced him the winner. He slipped a fifty-dollar bill to the drunken pilot, who only stared at it with a small amount of alcohol running down his chin. Duo picked it up for him and shoved it in Heero's pocket as Wufei slithered out of his chair, moaning something incomprehensible. Heero regained his senses as he staggered to his feet and stared at Wufei. He lifted his arm, pointed at him and giggled. Duo ushered him to a chair away from the bar and Trowa and Quatre helped Wufei. Trowa said, "Now what do we do with them?"
Duo grinned but said nothing. He went to the bartender and asked him for a few things. The bartender nodded, giving Duo a funny look and went away. Duo waited until he came back with duct tape, a razor and a large blue permanent marker. He handed the supplies to Duo, who went over to Wufei. He set the supplies near Heero and picked at the duct tape until he got a finger underneath it. He pulled a long strip and asked Trowa to help him keep Wufei still. Duo circled Wufei, taping his chest to the chair and pinning his arms to his sides. By now the large crowd had dissipated and the five were relatively alone again.
Wufei struggled, even though he was still very drunk. Duo grabbed the razor and began to neatly shave off Wufei's left eyebrow. He stood back and laughed demonically. He reached for the permanent marker and messily drew a blue 'eyebrow' back on.
Heero was still laughing, but at what, nobody knew. He was facing a blank wall.
Trowa said, "What else can we do to them?"
Duo sat and thought for a moment. A disgustedly happy look crossed his face as he looked at the razor some more. Trowa began to sweat. Duo stood and said, "You know, we could shave his legs."
"That's repulsive! And imagine what he would say when he woke up!" Quatre said, laughing. Trowa grabbed the razor and knelt by Wufei's right leg. He rolled up the baggy pant leg and began to shave.
Heero noticed what they were doing and nearly fell on the floor, laughing and hiccupping. The five were attracting a lot of stares and laughs now. Duo crossed his arms and watched Trowa, a satisfactory smile on his face. The unibang boy was pretty evil, when the situation was right...
When Trowa finished, Quatre took the razor and did Wufei's other leg. When he finished, Duo peeled off a short strip of tape and stuck it to the top of Wufei's head, on his tightly ponytailed hair. He pressed it down as Wufei stared at him, a slight smile on his face. Duo backed away fearfully.
He gathered the supplies and gave them back to the bartender. When he was done, he sat at the bar and ordered a beer. He sipped it slowly as Heero laughed and Wufei began asking nearby people if they would like to buy stuffed dingoes from him. Heero started to worry Duo, as he came over and asked him, "Where did you put my cafeteria lady?"
Duo raised his eyebrows and asked, "What?"
"My cafeteria lady, Veronica!"
Duo nearly dropped his beer as he laughed hysterically. He managed to gasp, "Wufei took her!"
An incredulous and angry look crossed Heero's face. He stood and went to Wufei, speaking loudly, "Where's Veronica?"
Wufei giggled and said, "Do you want to buy a stuffed dingo? We have a special two-for-one deal. You buy a male, at least 25 inches long, and get a second one free!"
Heero shook with rage and said, "Where's Veronica?!"
Wufei twitched his blue eyebrow, which made Trowa, Quatre, and Duo convulse with laughter, and said, "With Fluffy."
"My pet dingo. She's really pretty, with brown fur and little tufts on her ears-"
"I DON'T GIVE A FLYING CRAP ABOUT YOUR STUPID DINGO! WHERE'S VERONICA!?"
"I ate her."
"Do you want to buy a dingo?"
Duo quickly said, "I think you two have had enough for one night." He grabbed Heero by the shoulders and steered him to the door. Trowa and Quatre dragged Wufei, still taped to the chair and still babbling about dingoes, to the door. They put him in the trunk and put Heero in the back. Quatre sat shotgun as Duo snuck to the driver's side door. Trowa stopped him and said, "I'm driving."
Duo frowned and crawled in back with Heero. Trowa started the car and drove the drunk pilots back to Heero's house. When they got there, Duo dragged Wufei from the trunk and set him in the living room. Trowa led Heero to his bedroom and helped him into bed. The three sober young men met in the kitchen and Duo said, "The night is young. Let's make some prank calls!" Trowa raised an eyebrow and said, "Isn't that a little childish?"
"Nope! First call, Relena." Duo picked up the phone and peeked into Heero's room. He said, "Heero! What's Relena's number?" "56?"
"No! Her phone number!"
Duo chuckled and punched in the digits. He went back to the kitchen as Relena's sweet voice said, "Hello?"
Duo said in a high girly voice, "Hellooo! Is this Releeeena?"
"Uh, yeah, who is this?"
"Ohhhhh! This is Sarah! I'm Heero's new girlfriend. He hates you now."
"What are you talking about?"
"Ohhhh! He must not have told you!"
"Who is this?"
"I TOLD YOU, I'M SARAH!"
"What's going on?" Relena's voice was frantic.
Duo rolled with laughter as he hung up. Quatre laughed, "That was really mean. Who's next?"
"How about Sally?"
"I don't know her phone number."
Duo sprinted to the chair, where Wufei was singing The Barney Song. He shook him and said, "What's Sally Po's phone number?" Wufei stopped halfway through the chorus and said, "The Isle of Man. That's my final answer."
Duo scratched his head and said, "Wufei, have you ever called Sally Po on the phone?"
Wufei nodded his head vigorously. Duo grinned and said, "What numbers did you push on the phone to talk to her?" He held up the receiver in demonstration.
Wufei scratched the tape on his head and said, "Uh...17, 5...69, pi...and the square root of 7."
Duo laughed and went back to the kitchen. He said, "He's too drunk to answer. I could only get 17, 5, 69, pi and the square root of 7 out of him. I don't think you can enter square roots on a phone."
Quatre and Trowa laughed. Quatre took the phone and said, "Let's call Treize."
Duo and Trowa gasped as he punched in the digits. He flashed a smile at the two as he changed his voice, like Duo did, and said, "Hello, Treize?"
"Who is this?"
"Why are you calling me, Jennifer?"
Duo snatched the phone up and said, "Because she's a salesperson. I'm her partner in crime, I mean, partner in business. I'm Missy, and we're selling stuffed dingoes. We have an excellent deal. Buy one male at least 25 inches long, and get another one for free! Whaddaya say? Can we hook you up with one?"
Treize paused for a moment and said, "I don't think I could use a dingo now. Maybe, I'll contact you when I need one-"
"Whaddaya talking about? Everyone could use a dingo around the house! Why, they wash your dishes, do the laundry, and they make julienne fries! Plus, they program your VCR, they baby-sit your kids, and even know how to use the bathroom properly! No messes!"
Treize paused and said, "I'm sorry, I'll have to pass up on your terrific offer-"
"OH PLEASE, SIR! WE need your business! Plus, they're only $49.95, plus shipping and handling!"
"Uh...I'm terribly sorry-"
Duo laughed long and loud as Quatre stared and Trowa gaped. He said, "Now who?"
Trowa took the phone and said, "I want to call Milliardo."
Duo giggled and said, "What are you going to say?"
Trowa gave an uncharacteristic and devious grin as he said, "I've got the perfect idea."
He punched in the number and pressed the receiver to his ear. Speaking in a smooth soft voice, he said, "Hellooo. This is the Victoria's Secret hotline. If you would like to order our latest magazine, press one. If you would like to have Katie tell you about our latest line of see-through lingerie, press two. If you would like to hear where our closest store is, press three. Please be sure to visit our website at naughtylingerie.com."
The three giggled for a while after that. Duo took the phone and said, "Hmmm. Who now?"
Just then, Heero staggered in. The three watched him careen over to the fridge. He opened it and pulled out a carton of orange juice. He opened it and drank deeply, not stopping to take a breath. He polished it off and dropped the empty carton on the floor. Duo began to say something, but stifled himself. Heero slowly staggered back out and collapsed on the couch. The three laughed some more. Duo suddenly got an idea. He rapidly punched in numbers on the phone and held it up to his ear. Dorothy leaned over her bed and grabbed the phone. She pressed it to her ear and said, "Hello?"
Duo cleared his throat and said in an imitation of Quatre's voice, "Hello, Dorothy."
She said, "Quatre?"
"Yep. I was wondering, if you want to go on a date with me on Friday?"
Quatre screamed, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?"
"What was that?"
Duo blushed and loudly said, "Nothing! Nothing. Are you busy then?"
Dorothy said, "Let me check my calendar."
Duo fled from the kitchen, still on the line as Quatre tried to wrestle the phone from his hands. Dorothy said in a breathless tone, "Sure! Friday at 6:30 okay?"
"GREAT! I mean, great. Just come by my house then."
Duo hung up as Quatre bellowed, "What did you do!?"
"I set you up with Dorothy."
The word echoed around the house as Quatre froze on the spot.
Duo meekly said, "Friday. 6:30. Dorothy's house. You." He pointed at Quatre, who stared at Duo's finger like it was evil. He glared at Duo with a look equivalent to the one he had when he was using the zero system. He tackled the black-clad boy and wrestled him to the floor. He said through clenched teeth, "If you don't call her back and cancel that date now, I'll-" Trowa separated the two and said, "Quatre, I'll take care of it later. Now, let's make sure Heero and Wufei are okay, then we'll get to bed."
Duo stood and dusted himself off, straightened his collar and went into his room with a disgusted sniff. He closed and locked the door behind him. Trowa tossed a blanket over Heero, who was still crashed on the couch. Wufei was still singing, only now he was singing a dingo song. Trowa said, "He'll be fine. Go get to bed, Quatre."
Quatre slowly retreated to his room, thinking of how he would get vengeance on Duo. He changed into his pajamas and climbed into bed. Trowa went to his own room and fell asleep soon after.
"WHAT'S GOING ON?! WHY AM I TAPED TO A CHAIR?!"
Duo sat up groggily. Suddenly, he remembered the previous night. He smiled and laid back down. A loud thunk roused him, though. He peeked out the door and giggled when he saw a rather sober Wufei, laying on his side and angrily trying to get out of his bonds. Duo slipped out and righted Wufei with some trouble.
"Duo, why am I taped to the chair? What happened last night? Who won? And why do I have this f***ing headache?"
Duo grinned and said, as he grabbed a mirror, "I think Heero won."
Duo grinned in delight as a stream of words not to be repeated spilled from Wufei's mouth. At last, he said something legibly. "Who did this to me?"
Duo froze and meekly said, "Uh, Trowa and Quatre, and...uh...me?"
Wufei fell over again, only this time he was furiously trying to tackle Duo, even though he was still taped down.
Heero woke then and spoke in a sleepy voice, "How did this get in my pocket?"
He held up the fifty-dollar bill and Duo cried, "You won the contest last night. That's the prize money!"
Wufei only yelled louder and Duo sweetly said, "I'll untape you if you promise not to hurt me."
Wufei grumblingly agreed. Duo got a pair of scissors and cut Wufei free. He stood and scratched his head. He felt the tape and angrily began to approach Duo. "You promised!" Duo said.
"Promise, my butt! I'm gonna kill you!"
"Not after you find out what Trowa and Quatre did to you."
Wufei froze and spun. He faced Quatre, who was just emerging from his room. The blond boy flinched as Wufei spoke with words of acid, "What did you two do?"
Duo grinned and put away the scissors as Quatre stuttered. "Uh, we...well, we were at the bar...and Duo had a razor...and...uh...ask Trowa!" Quatre fled to his room.
Wufei stroked his chin and Duo leapt. He ripped the tape from Wufei's head, and the scream that echoed around the house rattled windowpanes and roused neighbors on both sides. A loud struggle ensued, in which Wufei attempted to throttle Duo. Trowa came out then, and said, "Hey, Wufei! Did you even notice your legs yet?"
Wufei froze and his eyes grew round. He got off Duo and fearfully peeled back one of his pant legs. He silently felt his smooth hairless leg and said in a querulous tone, "You guys shaved me?"
Duo grinned and Wufei opened his mouth to bellow, "YOU GUYS SHAVED ME!?"
Trowa nodded and Wufei became silent. He sighed and said, "Shit." He flopped backwards on the floor and laid there. Duo laughed, Trowa sighed in disappointment, Quatre peeked from his room fearfully, and Heero had fallen back asleep.
Duo glanced over at Heero and snatched the fifty-dollar bill from his fist. He tucked it in his pocket and simply laughed. He knelt by Wufei and quietly said, "You were singing The Barney Song last night. And you were trying to sell stuffed dingoes to people at the bar."
Wufei's lower lip trembled. Duo continued. "And you were smiling when Trowa and Quatre shaved you."
Wufei's eyes grew large.
"And..." Duo trembled with happiness as he continued. "And now you will forever bear the mark of your defeat." Duo pointed at Wufei's blue 'eyebrow'. The poor asian boy seemed like an electric current went through him, then he laid out flat across the floor. Duo leaned over him, slightly worried. Wufei's fist came up and knocked Duo in the gut as he angrily said, "I'll kill you all!" He leapt up and ran to his room, then slammed the door. Duo keeled over for a moment as he strugggled to regain his breath. Finally, he got to his feet and grinned good-naturedly. "Not bad for their first time at a bar." he spoke to himself as he went to his room. He hid the fifty-dollar bill away in a drawer and sighed. "Not bad at all."